Track and Field

Six years have passed and I have learnt quite a bit from my only CCA. Was attracted to it like moth to a lightbulb during Sec one, when I first raced with CJ (for those who dunno, Junasis) across the astroturf before orientation.  As long  as I have the will, there will be a way. Deluded myself into thinking, hoping against hope that as long as I had put in the extra effort, the teachers will notice and have pity on me. Four years I have struggled, for the 1st two meekly gave way to my seniors to get glory, for the last two getting displaced by my juniors. Tried in all inter-house sports events. When I disqualified, I always tried to convince myself that I will do better next time. Just 50 cm more, two more footsteps, extend your legs higher.

The next time never came at the end of four years. Since Mr Jeffrey Chan and Mr Malek were away for most of the time, they dismissed me as nothing and talentless, an anonymous face, since I never represented the school or had the chance. Sweat and tears had been shed while no one noticed. My kind ( i mean it)teacher, Mr Eric Lee even had to ask me to fill up the blanks in my testimonial that the track teachers left. At every track camp, athletes will always be talking about their aspirations in making it to National Finals, while I would be silently hidden among the shadows, listening but never to be able to feel their passion, longing....

During Sec four, Mr Kang became our new coach. Training was rigorous but fulfilling. For the first time, hard work was key to favour. The jumpers and throwers were under him, hence were more united than before. We often had communal lunch at S11 after training. Enjoyed the company of my fellow jumpers and my motivation to train was to strengthen my friendship with the jumpers. The rag-tag team of jumpers comprising Yong Shen, Yong Sheng, Clement, Wang Kan and I was formed to represent several invitational relays in various schools. (This is so as to allow key trackers to rest and protect them against overexertion; to allow them to perform at the optimum at Nationals). Even though it was obvious that we were substitutes, I relished the chances to just compete together, in competitions that the PE department did not recognise.

Thought that in JC, everything will be different. I was confused by the frenzy in obtaining the PEARLS during the initial 3 months. Unfortunately, I was hit with pneumonia before I could think seriously of my options. Since I had neither the sport or musical talents, I rejoined track. (you see, most sports and musical groups were formed from many students from the same CCA in secondary school). With a different culture, things will improve. Though things were tough and lonely during the initial 6 months, I bit my tongue and held on. Since I joined in late, I had to rebuild my fitness, which often involved sprints for 300 m, rest, and repeat for 10 rounds alone  Ran until I felt like fainting, with undescribable throbbing of my head. Two showed concern. One was my captain, the other Nonis. Thus I trained hard and made it a point to come for every training, hoping that with time, my technique will improve.

My track teachers allowed me to represent the school for minor competitions. However, I had failed them terribly, as I had always disqualified. The spirit is willing , but the flesh is weak. Though they never said it, I could sense the disappointment in their voices. Had fun and laughter, looking forward to trainings just to hear wisecracks and lame jokes, especially from Nonis. Worsened the misconception that as long as one put in more hard work, the result will be accelerated.

During the start of May, my mother was hospitalised and later discharged but was confined at home. My little sis and dad will quarrel frequently, each getting more violent and intense. Could not spend a day without worrying whether one will end up in police station, girl's home or the hospital. Afraid that my mother will die if this continues. Tried to reach home as early as possible, training half-heartedly just to neutralise any sparks. Expectedly, I failed again for the last major competition I would join. Hung my head in shame, for the coach had placed faith in me, and time and time again I could not deliver.

I have disillusioned myself. My pride had blinded me into thinking that talent could be achieved through hard work. How come I did not see it coming, even though I was in track for six years? The last flicker of hope has been extinguished. Realised that no matter how hard I train, I will never achieve the result I desire, as my potential has limits. Decided that I will have to stay at home to take care of my ma. Never told any of the trackers or the teachers, because I feel guilty and sad for leaving them, and that they might never understand my family problem. Besides, why must I selfishly insist on fighting for a place in the team, knowing well that I could not get a point for the school despite my best efforts?Why should I train alongside with them 1 month before Nationals, taking up their valuable training time with the coach? They need all the attention and troubleshooting they can get from Mr Seem to perform optimally.

One month has passed since then. Justin ignored me, which is normal of him to react this way after what had happened. Somehow no words came out from me, as I do not know how to express myself. Is it futile to explain everything? Does it mean a sign of weakness or an excuse? How do I tell them that they were wrong to put their faith in me, always thinking that my past dedication will manifest into talent, when it will never happen. Cried silently to myself that night, for my lack of courage and my searing conscience...