The Gnawing Feeling

"What is worst, drugs or the feeling of emptiness in a person?"---The Protege

Visited only my maternal grandparents during the first day of Chinese New Year. Seems to have happened only recently, as I could still recall the memories when I was in my 2nd year of army. Usual steamboat lunch and dinner, but somehow, I find the atmosphere more muted and solemn. The abalone and fishballs felt colder than usual. Perhaps, it's because all my cousins are maturing. I never gorge myself silly with tidbits; watch TV the whole day while the rest of my relatives were busy gambling.

Even Flyff does not give me the kicks anymore. Slowly but surely, it will follow the way of DoTA. Weaning it off is hard, but possible with every frustrating wait. The amount of blog posts is inversely proportional to the amount of time spent on the MMO.

Once again, Chinese New Year flew past. It's almost time to return to my daily routine of relief teaching in RI again.

Have I fallen from grace? In my pathetic attempt to fill the void on my self-attempt to leave Abba, the void just becomes bigger, and bigger. Somehow, even if I believe, there is always a lingering feeling that all my atheist friends seem to cope fine without Abba. Which is contradictory. In all, I am a sad excuse for a Christian. That is, if one goes by the worldly expectation of a holy, moral, sinless, blameless bloke. I am certainly not.

Which makes me wonder what the hell am I rebelling against. By immersing myself deeper in any thing, I am purposely trying to estrange myself from Abba, ever since I was disappointed (is it in my own self-effort?Or am I just trying to shift the blame away?) 2 years ago. (though somehow some remnants of hope remain, how ironic, the human mind works in funny ways) .

It does not necessarily have to be Flyff. In fact, it could be anything that I can be dangerously obsessed with. I wonder if I had reached the end of myself. I wonder....